The Dead Chocobo Sketch
by Warren Griffiths
Summary: A FF7 tribute to Monty Python - a FF7 version of the Python's greatest sketch of their time.


THE DEAD CHOCOBO SKETCH   
By Warren Griffiths (with apologies to The Monty Python Team and SquareSoft!)  
  
  
Sephiroth (The Customer) enters a shop in Nibelhiem carrying a Chocobo.  
  
Sephiroth:   
Hello, I wish to make a complaint.  
  
Cloud (The Owner) does not respond  
  
Sephiroth:   
Hello miss?  
  
Cloud:  
What do you mean "Miss"?  
  
Sephiroth:  
I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint.  
  
Cloud:  
We're closing for lunch.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Never mind "We're closing for lunch", I wish to complain about this Chocobo what I  
purchased not half an hour ago   
from this very shop.  
  
Cloud:   
Oh yeah, the, uh, Norwegian Chocobo...what's, uh...what's wrong with it?  
  
Sephiroth:  
I'll tell you what's wrong with it pal. He's dead, that what's wrong with it.  
  
Cloud:  
No, no, he's uh,...he's hibernating.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Look, pal, I know a dead Chocobo when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.  
  
Cloud:  
No no, he's not dead, he's hibernating! Remarkable Chocobo, the Norwegian, isn't, ai?  
Beautiful plumage.  
  
Sephiroth:  
the Plumage doesn't enter into it. It's stone dead.  
  
Cloud:  
No no no No no, no! He's hibernating!  
  
Sephiroth:  
All right than, if he's hibernating I'll wake him up!  
  
Sephiroth shouts at the Chocobo.  
  
Sephiroth:  
HELLO MR. CHARLIE CHOCOBO! I'VE GOT SOME LOVELY FRESH KRAKKA  
GREENS FOR YOU IF YOU   
SHOW...  
  
Cloud nudge the Chocobo with his palm.  
  
Cloud:  
There, he moved!  
  
Sephiroth:  
No he didn't, that was you nudging the Chocobo!  
  
Cloud:  
No I did not!  
  
Sephiroth:  
Did to!  
  
Cloud:  
I never, never did anything...  
  
Sephiroth (Whilst repeatedly banging the Chocobo's head on the counter.):  
HELLO CHARLIE!!!!! TESTING! TESTING! 1-2-3! THIS IS YOUR 9 AM ALARM  
CALL!   
  
Sephiroth drops the Chocobo on the floor.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Now, that's what I call a dead Chocobo!  
  
Cloud:  
No, no... No he's stunned!  
  
Sephiroth:  
STUNNED?!?  
  
Cloud:  
Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was walking up! Norwegian Chocobos stun easily, dude.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Um...now look...now look, pal, I've definitely had enough of this! That Chocobo is definitely  
dead, he is deceased,  
and when I purchased this Chocobo not half an hour ago, you assured me that it's lack of  
movement was due to   
the fact that he is being tired and shagged out following a prolonge wark!  
  
Cloud:  
Well, he's...he's oh...probably pining for the fjords.  
  
Sephiroth:  
PINING FOR THE FJORDS?!?!?!?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on  
his front the moment   
I got him home?  
  
Cloud:  
The Norwegian Chocobo prefers hibernating on his front! Remarkable Chocobo, isn't, dude.  
Lovely plumage!  
  
  
Sephiroth:  
Look, I took the liberty of examinating that Chocobo when I got it home, and I discovered the  
only reason that it  
has it's eyes opened in the first place, was it's eyelid had been TIED BACK.  
  
[PAUSE]  
  
Cloud:  
Well of course it's eyelid is tied back! If I hadn't tied his eyelid back, it would have been forced sit  
in an electric chair,  
stick volt clips over it, and "Bzzzzzzzz"!   
  
Sephiroth:  
"Bzzzzzzzz"?!? Pal, this bird wouldn't "Bzzzzzzz" if you put extra voltage through it! He  
bleeding demised!  
  
Cloud:  
No no! He's pining.  
  
Sephiroth:  
'He's not pining'! He's passed away! This Chocobo is no more! He has ceased to be! He's  
expired and gone to  
meet his maker! He's is stiff! Bereft of life, he's stone dead f@*king dead! If you hadn't tied his  
eyelids back, he'd  
be pushing up the daises! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's  
kicked the bucket, he's  
shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bloody choir invisible?! THIS  
IS AN   
EX-CHOCOBO!!  
  
[PAUSE]  
  
Cloud:  
Well, I'd better replace it then.  
  
Cloud takes a quiet peek behind the counter  
  
Cloud:  
Sorry dude, I've had a look round the back of the shop, and..uh, right out of Chocobos.  
  
Sephiroth:  
I see. I see, I got the picture.  
  
Cloud:  
I got a parrot.  
  
[PAUSE]  
  
Sephiroth:  
Pray, does it wark.  
  
Cloud:  
Nnnnot really.  
  
Sephiroth:  
WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?  
  
Cloud:  
Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Wutai, he'll replace the parrot for you.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Wutai, eh? Very well.  
  
Sephiroth leaves the shop and while Cloud puts on a fake moustache, Sephiroth re-enters the  
same shop.  
  
Sephiroth:  
This is Wutai isn't it?  
  
Cloud:  
No, it's Kalm Dude.  
  
Sephiroth:  
That's the bus service for you.  
  
Sephiroth goes to the main bus station and addresses Vincent (The Bus passenger services  
attendant) who is   
standing behind a desk marked "SHINRA TRAVEL PASSENGER SERVICES".  
  
Sephiroth:  
I wish to complain Mr. Passenger Services person.  
  
Vincent:  
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS F@*KING JOB, YOU KNOW!!!  
  
Sephiroth:  
I beg your pardon...?  
  
Vincent:  
I'm a qualified vampire! I only do this job as a Bus passenger services attendant because I like  
being my own   
boss!  
  
Sephiroth:  
Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it!  
  
Vincent:  
Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these "Final Fantasy 7 Fanfics" files to the sector 7 stop, you  
know what I mean?  
  
Sephiroth:  
Well I wish to complain. I got on the Wutai bus and found myself deposited here in Kalm.  
  
Vincent:  
No, this IS Wutai, not Kalm.  
  
Sephiroth:  
That pet shop owner is a lire.  
  
Vincent:  
Can't blame Shinra Travel for that.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Well in that case, I shall go back to the pet shop!  
  
And Sephiroth DID go back to the pet shop. Cloud is STILL wearing the moustache.  
  
Sephiroth:  
I understand this IS Wutai.  
  
Cloud:  
Yes?  
  
Sephiroth:  
You told me it was Kalm...  
  
Cloud interrupts.  
  
Cloud:  
It was a pun.  
  
[PAUSE]  
  
Sephiroth:  
A PUN ?!?  
  
Cloud:  
No, no... not a pun... what's that thing spells the same backwards as well as forwards?  
  
[LONG PAUSE]  
  
Sephiroth:  
A palindrome...?  
  
Cloud:  
Yes, that it, a palindrome.  
  
Sephiroth:  
It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Wutai" would be "Iatuw". It won't work.  
  
Cloud:  
Well, what do you want?  
  
Sephiroth:  
I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any more. I think this fanfic is too silly.  
  
Then Reno appears.  
  
Reno:  
I agree, I quite agree, I couldn't agree with you more, it's too silly, far to silly, therefore I'm  
terminating this fanfic   
right now.  
  
THE END!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
